“You sort of had a premonition about this already, didn’t you?”
“I did,” I say as I fight back tears although my eyes water. I had this eerie feeling.
Damn, you’ve done it again.
I think you take pleasure in making me miserable. Even more hardening, I think you take pleasure in pitying me. You’ve consumed my life so much that I cant even look at myself. I’m so numb to the pain you constantly put me through and what’s worse is that your energy is so disruptive that I can’t even hear the one I should be listening to most, God.
You’ve stolen just about everything from me. I used to be able to look at myself and love who I saw starring back from her smart mouth to her mysterious energy to her inquisitive mind even to her thick thighs, but you’ve ruined that. You’ve taken something so vibrant and made it so…colorless. You’ve weakened me so much that I’m too sick to function. Too drained to think. Too disappointed to pray. Ever since you’ve came into my life you’ve changed me. I no longer can identify with that young, vibrant, saucy woman. I dont know who I am so much that it’s caused me to fall into a depression. Sure, I smile on the outside but on the inside I am dying – in more ways than one. You’ve raped and robbed me of my free spirit and my sexuality. Who am I now? You don’t even know and yet for years you’ve been demeaning me. The evilness and hatred that you have for me and my body has rubbed off onto me.
“You’re not good enough to be a woman and you’ll never be,” is what I say to myself. It keeps playing over and over in my head as I think about the damage you’ve caused.
This shit is real now and with every emotion I’m feeling, the emotion I seem to be feeling the most is free. I know what I know now and I can finally free myself from thelimitations you’ve set upon me. Since we’ve met you’ve been unpleasant and even misleading. I knew when we met that I couldn’t get rid of you easily I just didn’t know how vital of a role you’d play in my journey to spiritual healing and learning who I am as a true woman. As I take this walk into being me and embracing being me I took the time to really understand you. I took the time to really get to know you and I took the time to really forgive you. I forgive you for killing me slowly. I forgive you robbing me of every opportunity I had to pass on because you told me I’m not good enough, but mostly I forgive you because I had to forgive myself. I had to learn that it’s not my fault.
Slowly I’m coming to reality that me and you are in this for life. There are things that you’ll continue to take from me and I’ve accepted that, but the one thing you’ll never be able to take from me again is my perception of my beauty and who I am. Being able to carry my own child would have been an amazing experience but you took that too. I wanted those moments of reading to my child as they grow in my womb. I wanted to give my future husband his seed. I wanted to see me in them. Everyday is a struggle but everyday I get closer to peace. I’m okay, really. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness but I’m getting there. Self-love is a gift and I have you to thank for that because I finally love the woman I am. You’ve killed me so much Endometriosis that now I can finally live. Now I can finally be free and walk in my purpose. I finally choose me and I’m forever grateful.
Yet Another Victim