The sun rose bright upon my face. It interrupted an already disturbing night. I walked downstairs to do some work while Sims slept comfortably in our plush sheets. I kept the heat on since it was colder upstairs. I laid across my sofa as I drank my coffee and checked my email. They can really pile up overnight with this being tax time. As I listened to Good Morning America play in thebackground I heard Sims creep down the stairs.
“What you doing up so early babe?”
“I couldn’t sleep. The sun woke me up and I knew you had to get up soon so I didn’t want to close the blinds and make you want to sleep longer.”
“Well I appreciate the thought.” Sims made a cup of coffee and sat in the living room with me. “You wore me out last night!”
“I wore you out? No, you wore me out! It was amazing!”
“Yes it was. You gotta give me some more of that before I go to work.”
“Hmmm I can do that,” I said as I put my computer down to go straddle him.
“Gave any thought to what I said last night?”
“It’s too early for relationship talk man.”
“I told you when we started this that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I neede-“
“I know what you needed B but what I’m saying is as much as we vibe and as long as we been kickin’ it you don’t think it’s time to make that next step?”
“I’m not ready and last night was some real shit. All of what you told me was some real shit and I appreciate it so in knowing that I’m not going to toy with your feelings and I’m not gonna pursue a relationship until I’m ready.” I started kissing his neck again. Him grabbing me tight was making my pussy wet. He loosened the belt to my robe to suck on my nipples. I rubbed one hand in his hair as I rubbed his back with the other. I stood up to put him inside of me. I was dripping wet. I rode him gently while the birds sang melodically and the sun continued to shine bright on my back. Every movement deeper than the last. The sound of my ass clapping on him made me wetter.”
“Shit! Shit! Sims! I’m about to cum!”
We both tilted our heads back as we moaned and screamed in exuberance. I got off of Sims and went into the bathroom. When I came out he was warming up his coffee.
“So what time do you get off?”
“8. I’ll be back over.”
“Ooh we just telling now? No asking?”
“Come on with shits B.”
“I’m just saying. I didn’t say I wanted company tonight.”
“Girl after this good ass sex you think you not gon’ want none of that again tonight?”
“Nope. I’m straight.”
“I’m for real.”
“Because in the midst of us having bomb ass sex you’re gonna throw in the relationship conversation and I’m not trying to hear that right now.”
“You a nigga man I swear.”
“You need to let that shit go.”
“Let what go Sims?”
“That bum ass chip on your shoulder. Whoever hurt you let it go. I’m not him.”
“You swear you know me,” I said sarcastically.
“Why won’t you let me then?”
“Let you what?”
“Let me love you Brooklyn. Why won’t you let me love you?”
“We not about to do this,” I said as I started to walk upstairs. Sims chased behind me.
“No Brooklyn! You’re about to give me a real reason. You always running away from me.”
“You really wanna know why? Ok. Yeah you’re right. You’re not him. You’re not that fucked up nigga I loved too much who didn’t appreciate me. You would appreciate me. You would love me. I know this. Last night you told me I am the reason you’re alive. You opted not to kill yourself because no matter what I’m always there for you. Do you know how heavy that is? Do you know how much responsibility that is? How much pressure that is? So yes I’m not interested in dating you right now knowing I’m not ready. That relationship shit I don’t really do. I’m cool with what we got going and I wanna leave it like that. You wanna say I’m afraid of commitment? Cool but after that conversation last night and after knowing how much you really care just made me afraid.”
“Nigga. Do you need me to spell shit out?”
“Yeah. Actually I do.”
“I’m out here fucking you. Just fucking you. No emotions. No feelings. No nothing. And I’m good with that but the minute you tell me some deep shit just made me afraid that if we do take the next step that the same shits gonna happen like my ex. Everything starts out good and then I’m the one with a bottle of wine and a broken heart. Me keeping my feelings out of it is the point of fucking you honestly.” He looked stunned.
“So you can honestly tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me? You don’t feel anything?”
I was quiet for a moment, “I mean…I think you’re a great guy but I can’t put myself out there like that right now.” He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. He looked like I crushed his heart. I felt bad so I walked over to him and looked him in his eyes and kissed him. He tried to refuse it. I knew he was upset but I was turned on so I couldn’t help myself but to at least try. “Are you really gonna give all of this up for a relationship? Don’t be like that baby.” I kissed him gently on his lips and with one kiss I felt his shoulders drop and all of his fight just die. I laid him down and rode him back to sleep. As he slept so comfortably for a few minutes before getting ready for work I crept downstairs to take a phone call so I wouldn’t wake him.
“Hey,” I said in a whisper. “Yeah I’m up. Just checking some emails. When are you getting in?” I stood at the bottom of the stairs, “Ok well I can’t wait to see you later daddy. I bought some new lingerie and I can’t for you to rip it off. Ok baby. Love you too.” I looked up the stairs and opened the drawer of the table at the bottom of my staircase. For a second I felt guilty for making Sims think that my lack and interest in commitment was the reason I didn’t want to be with him. But as I looked down at the engagement ring from my true love, all that guilt quickly escaped my mind. I guess there goes my commitment issues.